The Night Before Christmas (2010 version)
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				by Andrew Ives

'Twas the night before Xmas When all through the house,
No iPhone was beeping, no clicks from a mouse.
The stockings were hung from the chimney with care
In hope that Black Ops and sleb goodies land there.

If sweet little Tyler doesn't get his new games,
It'll be our lazy postman not Santa he blames,
Mayhaps Argos will have one or he'll kick up such a fuss,
If he can't spend yuletide shooting instead of with us.

And dear Shakesha wants a telly, some clothes, a new phone,
A Go Go Gerbil, an iPod, DVDs...and a moan
When all that we bought wasn't fantastically dear,
Perhaps we can even pay for it this coming new year.

"How about a dolly or some nice Lego bricks?"
"I want a new mobile. I AM nearly six!"
We'll get her a smartphone in the sales very soon,
50% off by Xmas Day afternoon.

Angelic cherubs playing in their bedrooms all day
Like a balaclava'd SWAT team, blazing away.
We only see them - and then with a frown -
Halfway through dinner when WiFi's gone down.

I ask sulking Tyler to pull a cracker with me,
"It's just like a flashbang, pull it and see!"
Now dinner's all gone, he asks if there's more.
The dog dragged it already around the hall floor.

Didn't buy much for Aunt Mabel this year,
And my present from her looks worryingly dear;
Fingers crossed that Grandma's pressie I bought on eBay
Arrives by the 27th... I might be ok.

And a card arrived from Aunt Deirdre today.
Did we send her one? I really can't say.
If we've forgotten her she'll get awfully shirty,
She sent me postal orders until I was thirty.

Now I've got a cold, more probably it's flu.
Worked all Xmas Eve with so much to do.
My wife has a bruised face, red cheek and left ear -
Some idiot punched her for the last Buzz Lightyear.

It was for cousin Tommy, my brother's girlfriend's kid
I hope they don't visit - he'd be better off rid.
She likes a shandy or two... or three... or ten,
When she starts scrapping she fights like six men.

She'll want to see Corrie, the omnibus edition,
Five hours of misery, a war of attrition.
The kids'll want Shrek 2 or Toy Story 3
I'll hide in the shed, the safe place to be.

Shakesha got a camera that requires an IT degree,
Lost the instructions so it comes back to me.
Tyler cries out: "Any more batteries, Dad?"
"There's some in the smoke alarms. Use initiative, lad!"

The snow's 3ft deep, but I heard someone say,
"It'll be nice to come see you around Boxing Day".
For an evening with Mad Bert and old Auntie Nancy,
A hundred mile trudge Roald Amundsen wouldn't fancy.

Our Oriental neon snowman seems to be on the blink,
It keeps going off - a loose fuse I think.
Bin bursting with cardboard, will get us a fine
I'll slip some in the neighbours' by collection day time.

Hark, is that the sound of distant carol singers too?
Bellowing Jingle Bells and extorting anew.
Cold callers keep ringing, "thanks, I've already got Sky"
The moment I bite into a Best Value mince pie. 

I turn on some music on my 50" plasma screen,
For a festive singalong to Cage Against the Machine.
At last I sit down, the merriment all done,
And reminisce for a time when Xmas was fun.

   * People do actually remove the batteries from smoke alarms at Xmas according to a spokesman for RoSPA